Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Serious Ramblings

Well,  I am having a baby tomorrow (6/22/16).   If I am being truly honest, I don't know exactly how I feel about it.  Yes, I am excited.  Yes, I am ready to rid myself of pregnancy woe - i.e., shortness of breath, heartburn, moodiness - but outside of that I can't really describe what I feel.  In fact, I have no idea why I am even blogging right now other than I feel like I probably should.  I guess I just thought that I would be way more excited (if that makes sense).  Instead, I feel a little apprehensive and maybe, just maybe a little (dare I say it) sad. I'm not sad to be having a baby, I think I am sad to know that this is the end of my having babies.  Since I am having a C-Section due to the previa issue, I have also elected to have my tubes ties.  I definitely do not want to be pregnant again and I am sure that I don't want anymore children.  But at the same time, I think the permanence of whole procedure is weighing heavily on me and has been for the last several months.  Even without the procedure, given my age, more children are really not feasible - and this reality has been present with me since the day I found out I was pregnant.  Man, it is hard to be girl.

I am also a little nervous about starting all over.  Life has been pretty easy lately.  Finn is fiercely independent and basically takes care of Sam.  I hope that I have the same energy this go around. After all, Will doesn't know he is a third baby.  He expects the same attention and excitement and that we gave to Finn and Sam.  For some reason, I am just more concerned that I don't have the requisite exuberance going into it this time. That'll teach me to have a baby in my mid-thirties.  I shared this with Michael last night and we both agree that once he is here we will get right back into the swing of things and the excitement will kick in once we are back in the recovery room and everyone is healthy.

I am also a little nervous about the C-Section.  I certainly don't anticipate any problems.  Its just the fear of the unknown.  And I am nervous about Will's development.  He will be four weeks early so we are praying that his lunges are developed enough to not need a trip to Vanderbilt.  Just lots to pray about.

But what I am the most concerned about is my tendency to "phone things in."  I have a bad habit of glossing over things/events so that I don't have to feel sadness. I don't want to be afraid to feel sad.  I want to make sure that I don't take anything for granted - even if that means that I am a blubbering mess. I wan to make sure that I am truly present and aware of the gift this baby truly is (even if he is a third). You see how I make jokes to cover up my emotions :)

Well, this is probably too personal and too disjointed - the ramblings of an over emotional pregnant woman.  I admit that I probably should have just written this down on a piece of paper and put it in my cedar chest.  But, against my better judgment I have decided to go ahead and post it.

And last, but not least - I have decided to do what I have never done before and swore that I would never do. But while I am being "open"  . . .   I am posting belly pictures.


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